Monday September 19th: Cosy

The house feels cosy tonight.  R downstairs writing, both boys sleeping and me in bed.

It's also just my kinda night.

Cool autumn air, rain, for me it feels like promise, opportunity and that good things will (knock on wood) hopefully happen.   It must be left over from years of back to school resolutions and plans.

When I first started this blog, it felt like a chore.  But now, I'm getting into it.  I actually got up, went upstairs to my study to get my laptop and here I am.

Another book launch today, a memoir by a man I adore and admire: The Honourable Roy McLaren, a man who's done everything from being a sailor, diplomat, an uber successful businessman, a writer (this is his 7th book) , politician and cabinet minister.  And who's been married for 52 years to a woman with story as interesting as his and style that is pure 1920's Paris chic that looks incredible anywhere, anytime.

These kinds of parties always make me wonder, will this be us 40 or 50 years from now?  Can we also be that lucky to still so engaged, producing and working, travelling, and still look so good? Usually my worries are focused on where I will be at 40 - a dangerous age for women I've decided.  But occasionally I think further.

Today I am:

• Worried about eating/drinking too much sugar (white wine again!); 
• Reminding myself not be afraid to just move forward versus seeking refuge in the process or planning; 
• Determined to focus on positive energy on my goals. 
• Had a moment of being overwhelmed by a crushing love for my boys. 

Sunday September 18th: A Bouncy Castle Comes Our Way

R is back and has taken the boys out for a walk and some post trip treats.

I'm mentally trying to get some perspective on parenting.  On the rational side, I know I'm obsessing about something small (a couple of remarks from Seth about kids on the SK playground), like everyone else, each day I read, see or hear about the horrors that so many kids are enduring and know, that this is on the small, small side.

Emotionally, I can't wait to talk to his teacher and see what's going on.

This then, is the insanity of being a mother and yet I know its a luxury to be even be able to angst about these things at all. Only possible because we have a place to live, food to eat, the expectation that our children will not only be secure, and safe but also have some sort of inalienable right to round the clock happiness, at least as long as we think we can control it.

Deep breath.

Today, on the worlds friendliest street as my hood will now we known - we are having a street party, complete with a bouncy castle.  Yes, a bouncy castle on a little street in the heart of downtown Toronto, literally off one of the busiest intersections in the city. And lots of food, and always lots of wine.

R and I are also attending the launch of this book on the international world of art theft by a friend and former colleague.

I'm excited for the party, even though I actually hate going out on a Sunday night, it feels wrong.  Sunday nights, in my mind should be spent organizing for the week ahead.  A legacy of my childhood I think.

Today I am:

• Hoping to work out soon; 
• Planning on wearing my BCBG thin turtleneck dress (always a date favourite);
• Asking for help in being able to successfully guide my kids into being happy, confident and secure people; 
• Loving the warm fall sun and breeze and 
• Wondering why even though I feel like I am constantly buying groceries, we have nothing good to eat in the house.  That and how, if its getting cold out, the mosquitoes seem like they're getting bigger. 

Saturday September 17: Geographically Grateful

Today (its 1:24 am), I read Sarah's Key.  In one sitting, in my bed, with darling Seth snuffling next to me.

I had tears pouring down my face from page 9.  And now can't sleep.

I felt so grateful for living in Canada, for the blessings of what are petty worries (are the kids making friends at school? how will I get through my to do list).

And the familiar sense of being overwhelmed by the horror of what happened during the Holocaust and present tragedy that we haven't learned from it.  The cruelty and killings just keep happening in different forms, to new generations, in different countries and cities.

And then I think: what can I do?

It makes me want to be a better mother, to give my children the happiest childhood I can because who knows what the future holds.  But focusing on the microcosm of my family is not enough, I'm just not sure what is.

Friday September 16: Its only going to get harder

I'm glad its Friday.  The boys need a weekend, badly.

At the pick-up today, Seth got in the wagon and I could tell he was cranky, angry and upset.  All at once.

The reason?  He'd lost at hockey and was devastated that his team wasn't the "champion", then someone had hit him before lunch.  But it was more the big hockey loss that have filled with anger, at himself.

And it is heartbreaking to see  your 5 year old angry at himself.

I did my best.  I told him that everyone loses sometimes, no matter how hard they try (remember how Daddy and the Red Team lost the election even though they did everything they could - political bloggers might differ on that one, but still).  I told him that what matters is what you do after you lose, that you try again the next time.  I encouraged him to take deep yoga breathes.

How do encourage your child to be competitive but not be devastated when they lose?  And how do you encourage them to keep trying things, even if they might fail, what's the balance between making failure part of success without saying its ok.

All of this has made me more appreciative of all the small and still simple moments with him and Avery.

And worry how much longer I'll have them.

• Snuggling in bed in the morning;  
• Watching they play with animals; 
• Reading books together. 
• The sheer joy that simple things (throws, silly dances, pants on head, Daddy's songs can bring).

Today I am: 

• Glad I went to Bikram yoga; 
• Enjoying having the house and the boys to myself with R in NYC. 

Wednesday September 14th:

Have I mentioned that we have the world's friendliest street?  Right in the middle of downtown Toronto, we live in an oasis of kids, bikes on the street, people having drinks on the stoop.

I'll be honest, it took getting used to.  I'd always lived in condo's in Toronto (where the polite thing to do is pretend you don't see or know the person getting into the elevator with you) - even though you do this routine every morning.

But the thing is, its still a city -street (although a cul-de-sac) so all the parents are out, watching the kids and shouting "Car" should a cab or some person drive down.  It can make you miss backyards which actually let you do something while the kids played....

Yesterday Seth and Avery rode their bikes up and down with the neighborhood boys.

Avery was so proud of himself for keeping up with the "big kids".

Today I am:

• Determined to use my home office and not the dining room table.  Surely productivity will now increase. 
• Eating: crunchy but still sweet strawberries and creating entire dinners around my Mom's mint chutney (couscous and tandoori chicken). 
• Waiting: for my ebay dress and coat to hopefully arrive soon! 

Monday September 12th: I want it all

Right now the streets of our neighbourhood are filled with TIFF people, star sightings, those hoping to look like stars and everything else that comes with the film festival.

In the midst of the self-conscious styling and posturing, throngs of people with phones and camera in hand, Seth, oblivious to it all spreads his new eagle wings.

Which I have to say is pretty awesome.

Sunday September 11: Remembering

Ten years on, and the horror of those images still hasn't dimmed for me.  I also admit that despite my best liberal intentions and the fact that both my brother and husband get stopped for extra security due to racial profiling, feel nervous when I see certain sorts of men boarding my flights.  I don't want to, and I know its wrong, but I still do.

Today has also, tragically become one of those seminal life moments, where everyone can remember where they were when they heard the news, the last time they were in NYC before it happened and what they did after.

Me?

I had just started my articling year at FMC, we were on the 54th floor of a building on Bay street in Toronto learning how to to bill our hours into the firm financial system. I was struggling to pay attention and understand it.   When they news came, I remember us getting a break and milling around, on the ground floor of the building where all the TV were.  Usually these screens had the tickers going for the TSX, that morning, hushed groups of confused people stood around, watching and waiting.

Eventually, as planes began to be diverted all over and the Pentagon was hit, we were all sent home.  And I remember taking a streetcar up to my new apartment on the Danforth, looking out at the city and feeling aimless and lost.  And then calling my Mom who always my touchstone when I reached home, for reassurance.

I don't remember anything else about what I did that day.

A piece that R wrote about his experiences that day - written pre-Reva.