Friday December 2: 8 Years Ago Today

Already married 2 yrs we have a wedding

Memory is a funny thing.   When I think back about the days that ended up changing the course of my life, I get incredibly anxious.  Even though at the time, when events were happening I felt fine....

Which is a slightly odd way of introducing this story.

Eight years ago today, I agreed to meet R for a quick coffee at the Tate Modern.  At this point, we'd met seven times in person (two of these were random run ins at parties).  I was in town for my mother's 50th, and so far, in the manner of every Richard Curtis holiday rom com ever made,  we had only crossed signals, backstories involving friends who were exes's, exe's who were friends and so on.

The grudging coffee became champagne (pink! vintage!) at his house (day time drinks figure largely in pivotal moments in my life, coincidence? or cause? something to figure out later).

The first bottle turned into the second and somewhere along the line we decided instead of dating, we would get engaged.  So out we went out to quickly get a ring before stores closed (which led R's banker to call him and ask what was happening because the transaction was deemed "out of the ordinary").  The next step?  Telling my parents. They had never heard of Rana before, thought I was dating someone else (details) and so were predictably stunned (understatement).

Memory is also funny because in the re-telling of our stories, details and narratives naturally shift, and then change how we perceived the events.

In my case, our personal story became one of the hooks used to promote my last book.

I didn't always like or agree with the hows and angles, but I went with it - since if you publish a relationship book at 32 with no real relationship credentials, your own story becomes fair game.

The first question was always: since I had written about arranged marriages, had I had one?

So, as advised by my publicist, I would diligently launch into explaining that no, although we got engaged after seven meetings, our parents were in no way involved and in fact, our families didn't meet for months after.

The getting engaged after seven dates is a media grabber particularly since many of journalists I was speaking with were single women who loved the idea that in a day, your whole life could completely change like this.

And although the decision sounds astonishingly impulsive, lost in the "public" story is that we had been exchanging emails for months.

London Engagement Party 

These weren't explicably "romantic" but they did set up the scene....

For instance,  after a night out, I once sent R several revisions of the same email (each one slightly edited to improve the casual but i hoped flirty tone and voice).

Also lost in my public telling of the story, was that although we didn't "date" we did meet for one weekend in Ottawa for the 80th birthday party of John Meisel, a wonderful man - (but still an odd first date, no?) R's idea, not mine.

 Three months later I moved to London. Four months later we got legally married.

In the months that followed, I would often experience the onset of a horrible delayed anxiety: I could have missed this, that it all could have so easily gone some other way, with someone else, in some other place.

My brother would say that our lives have all been written, I'm not sure about that... but, today, I'm glad it worked the way it did and deep thoughts aside, I'm just looking forward to a spa day tomorrow, with some chilled champagne and courtesy of my wonderful sister-in-law - a child free night.../rs

Saturday November 26: Whatever Happened To My So Called Career?

Well, yes this is a question I sometimes especially when I struggle (usually drink in hand) to explain my current portfolio career to some person I just met.  It's the only time I miss the simple answer of "I'm a lawyer."

Really, though its the title of fantastic lecture that R has given at the LSE, at the Cass Business School and yesterday, at the Munk School of Global Affairs. 

A fully unbiased review (of course) R was fantastic, funny, informative and inspiring.  I can say that I wasn't married to meet him, after hearing him yesterday, I would be looking to meet him...

After they intro'd him and his accomplishments, he opened by sharing his own ballsy story of graduating from Queens into the brutal Canadian recession of the 1990's, working temp jobs that he was serially fired from (for giving them advice on how to improve - classic, no?), to going to LSE with only enough money for his first semester and then starting a consulting boot camp for students, getting his job offer from Roland Berger and then taking that letter to the bank to borrow the rest of the years tuition.

 I've heard the story before, but each time I do, I get filled with a wave of straight up respect for the man. 

He also shared career insights that apply whether you're just starting out like the audience of graduate students in the room, thinking about a career shift or switch or something that's somewhere in between.   

Below are my top 5 lessons from his talk.  

Funny side note: at one point he mentioned that his wife was in the audience (and I sort half waved because really what's the right response to that?) and I heard the boy next to me whisper to his friend: "Why is his wife taking notes?"  

Because I learned or (re-learned) so much listening to him, including: 

1. Your Career Is Happening Right Now For years I suffered from this - the idea that "my real" career would happen sometime in the future and the rest of this was just temporary.  Whether you're a student, or mat leave or in a job where you are just killing time or paying the bills.  This right now is your career, you are in it.  

2. Beware of the Myth of The Perfect Career:  R used the Churchill description of how most people, even the most successful among us are actually operating on a day to day basis in dense fog.  You don't really know what's ahead so all you can do is  make the best decision possible with what's in front of you.  It's only after, in retrospect that dots are connected to create a narrative.  And then, when we read or hear about someone's career story, we're led to believe that they had this perfect plan which is what led to these impressive outcomes.  Yes, of course you need an idea of where you want to go, but don't worry about having the great plan or be intimidated by someone else's seemingly flawless career story or path.  You just don't hear all the messy parts that get skipped over when the story is being re-written. 

3. Remember The Newspaper Test:  We buy lots of papers in our house, the Times, The FT, The Globe and each weekend, it re-affirms the newspaper test which is: what sections do you always reach for first?  And why?  Odds are it hasn't changed for the past decade. The idea of the newspaper test is not to say that if you always go for the sports section, you should now drop it all and become a sports agent.  The Newspaper Test  is a reminder to remain aware of your true interests.  The further your career falls from them the harder it will be to sustain the passion. 

4. Don't Become a Victim of Your Lesser Talents:  Ten years ago, I walked away from Bay Street law job at a national firm. I'd worked hard.  And for a 25 year old, there was a seemingly large amount of money at stake, a career I had professed to want (and spent 3 years studying for), along with status and certainty that came with the job. Deciding to leave was both the hardest and easiest thing I've ever done.  It was hard for all the reasons above.  It was easy because after a year and half spent summering and articling I realized that I would never actually be a very good lawyer.   I  could stay, keep working on it but as Peter Drucker first pointed out, I would spending 90% of my efforts trying to get 10% better at something I wasn't great at (or interested in).

Alternatively, I could leave and finding the area where 10% of my efforts would make me excellent. And happy.  

5.  Who You Marry Matters:  A key point in from my last book, that who you marry matters since it impacts every part of your life - including your career.  Why? Because it shapes where you live, your networks, how your interests and values evolve and from that the career decisions you make.

It's nice to have an affirmation on mine. /rs  

Sunday September 24: Turtles

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 Sunday used to my favourite day when I was little.

Usually it still is. I like the feel of the day... an indulgent breakfast, the FT, the NYT, coffee, the sense that its ok not to do that much.

But recently, I've had two Sundays where I felt anxious.  Not about anything specific just generally.

I went to the park with the boys and didn't help.  I worked on a power point, it made it worse. I hit the treadmill, menh.

I made these muffins.  And then, walking I saw R, sitting on the front steps, helping Seth make origami sea turtles, and it was a good good moment.