Monday December 4th: The Anniversary Post Script

Expectation and lived reality usually differ, but this is especially true when kids, particularly your own kids are involved.

And so it was, with the long awaited "Anniversary Weekend."

The hotel was booked, complete with a couples massage, a bottle of champagne and a late dinner reservation.  I had even vaguely floated the idea of buying something suitably cliche and lacy - I didn't get around to it of course, but anyway... it turns out it was just as well.

By Friday at 1am both boys have hacking coughs which soon morph into vomit.  Ugh.  Cue R and I spending the rest of the night changing sheets, getting water, dispensing cough medicine and bitching about who did the last round and who is doing more (me clearly).

Saturday morning dawns and we're both cranky.  It's also clear that no one, not even (or especially) family should be asked to cope with a second night like that. Plus, the boys would go crazy if we left them overnight somewhere when they're sick.  Only the dinner reservations can be changed without a fee - so we're stuck with a hotel room (literally around corner from our house) and the spa appointment. 

All is not lost however.  My sister in law comes to stay with the kids while we have our massage (R falls asleep in exhaustion, I think about making soup for their coughs).  We go home, we take the kids with us to the hotel - I optimistically bill it as a holiday family sleepover, yeah!

So instead of champagne, we take turns swigging a half bottle of average red wine from the hotel mini bar (the boys are putting animals in the glasses), the dinner plan becomes eating the kids leftover pizza with a McDonald's sundaes.  The kids are loving it though: the tv is bigger! The bed is bigger! You can see into other people's rooms!

We all pile into the bed.  Twenty minutes later, Avery is sick everywhere.

All the towels get used up as we try and mop up the mess.  I open the window and crack a couple of mini bottles, we take more sips in between cleaning up the bed, the children and ourselves. I hope I have enough cash on me for a serious tip.

We do a second round of baths.              Everyone collapses in exhaustion.

There is no glamour in this I think.

The morning brings room service and with it a slightly happier family.

So it was not at all what I'd planned.

But it was a reminder for me that relationships are not actually about the big planned events, but somehow finding fun in the tedium of the everyday, with someone that you can hopefully look across a pile of rancid towels at 2 am and think, I'm glad its him.

Even if it takes the help of a few small bottles to source that kind of zen. /rs

Saturday November 26: Whatever Happened To My So Called Career?

Well, yes this is a question I sometimes especially when I struggle (usually drink in hand) to explain my current portfolio career to some person I just met.  It's the only time I miss the simple answer of "I'm a lawyer."

Really, though its the title of fantastic lecture that R has given at the LSE, at the Cass Business School and yesterday, at the Munk School of Global Affairs. 

A fully unbiased review (of course) R was fantastic, funny, informative and inspiring.  I can say that I wasn't married to meet him, after hearing him yesterday, I would be looking to meet him...

After they intro'd him and his accomplishments, he opened by sharing his own ballsy story of graduating from Queens into the brutal Canadian recession of the 1990's, working temp jobs that he was serially fired from (for giving them advice on how to improve - classic, no?), to going to LSE with only enough money for his first semester and then starting a consulting boot camp for students, getting his job offer from Roland Berger and then taking that letter to the bank to borrow the rest of the years tuition.

 I've heard the story before, but each time I do, I get filled with a wave of straight up respect for the man. 

He also shared career insights that apply whether you're just starting out like the audience of graduate students in the room, thinking about a career shift or switch or something that's somewhere in between.   

Below are my top 5 lessons from his talk.  

Funny side note: at one point he mentioned that his wife was in the audience (and I sort half waved because really what's the right response to that?) and I heard the boy next to me whisper to his friend: "Why is his wife taking notes?"  

Because I learned or (re-learned) so much listening to him, including: 

1. Your Career Is Happening Right Now For years I suffered from this - the idea that "my real" career would happen sometime in the future and the rest of this was just temporary.  Whether you're a student, or mat leave or in a job where you are just killing time or paying the bills.  This right now is your career, you are in it.  

2. Beware of the Myth of The Perfect Career:  R used the Churchill description of how most people, even the most successful among us are actually operating on a day to day basis in dense fog.  You don't really know what's ahead so all you can do is  make the best decision possible with what's in front of you.  It's only after, in retrospect that dots are connected to create a narrative.  And then, when we read or hear about someone's career story, we're led to believe that they had this perfect plan which is what led to these impressive outcomes.  Yes, of course you need an idea of where you want to go, but don't worry about having the great plan or be intimidated by someone else's seemingly flawless career story or path.  You just don't hear all the messy parts that get skipped over when the story is being re-written. 

3. Remember The Newspaper Test:  We buy lots of papers in our house, the Times, The FT, The Globe and each weekend, it re-affirms the newspaper test which is: what sections do you always reach for first?  And why?  Odds are it hasn't changed for the past decade. The idea of the newspaper test is not to say that if you always go for the sports section, you should now drop it all and become a sports agent.  The Newspaper Test  is a reminder to remain aware of your true interests.  The further your career falls from them the harder it will be to sustain the passion. 

4. Don't Become a Victim of Your Lesser Talents:  Ten years ago, I walked away from Bay Street law job at a national firm. I'd worked hard.  And for a 25 year old, there was a seemingly large amount of money at stake, a career I had professed to want (and spent 3 years studying for), along with status and certainty that came with the job. Deciding to leave was both the hardest and easiest thing I've ever done.  It was hard for all the reasons above.  It was easy because after a year and half spent summering and articling I realized that I would never actually be a very good lawyer.   I  could stay, keep working on it but as Peter Drucker first pointed out, I would spending 90% of my efforts trying to get 10% better at something I wasn't great at (or interested in).

Alternatively, I could leave and finding the area where 10% of my efforts would make me excellent. And happy.  

5.  Who You Marry Matters:  A key point in from my last book, that who you marry matters since it impacts every part of your life - including your career.  Why? Because it shapes where you live, your networks, how your interests and values evolve and from that the career decisions you make.

It's nice to have an affirmation on mine. /rs  

Wednesday October 6th: Gaps

Yesterday my little Seth lost his first tooth.  We don't actually know where it went (and I prefer not to think about it) but when he walked past me in morning mania, I noticed it was gone. 

Honestly, I never used to be an emotional person, but I felt like crying.  And then yesterday evening, when I was putting him to sleep, I was sitting (well laying really) next to him, and I read this, and then I did cry. 

I promise soon, this blog will get less sappy, and more happy. 

In the meantime, here's what really hit me from it:

Please live. I don't mind if you dye your hair kool-aid blue. I don't mind if everything you believe turns out to be different from what I believe. I don't care who you love or how you love, as long as find some and give some. I don't mind what you're into, as long as you're safe. I just want to support you. I want to witness you. I want to see the things that make you smile. I want you to have the chance to be. To be happy.


Please live.

This quote is from a speech by Kate Inglis from her speech at A Walk To Remember - which draws attention to losing a child.

The website is both heartbreaking, thought provoking and also somehow inspiring.

Friday September 16: Its only going to get harder

I'm glad its Friday.  The boys need a weekend, badly.

At the pick-up today, Seth got in the wagon and I could tell he was cranky, angry and upset.  All at once.

The reason?  He'd lost at hockey and was devastated that his team wasn't the "champion", then someone had hit him before lunch.  But it was more the big hockey loss that have filled with anger, at himself.

And it is heartbreaking to see  your 5 year old angry at himself.

I did my best.  I told him that everyone loses sometimes, no matter how hard they try (remember how Daddy and the Red Team lost the election even though they did everything they could - political bloggers might differ on that one, but still).  I told him that what matters is what you do after you lose, that you try again the next time.  I encouraged him to take deep yoga breathes.

How do encourage your child to be competitive but not be devastated when they lose?  And how do you encourage them to keep trying things, even if they might fail, what's the balance between making failure part of success without saying its ok.

All of this has made me more appreciative of all the small and still simple moments with him and Avery.

And worry how much longer I'll have them.

• Snuggling in bed in the morning;  
• Watching they play with animals; 
• Reading books together. 
• The sheer joy that simple things (throws, silly dances, pants on head, Daddy's songs can bring).

Today I am: 

• Glad I went to Bikram yoga; 
• Enjoying having the house and the boys to myself with R in NYC. 

Friday June 10th: Teaching Failure

Two weeks ago, Seth my 5 y/o fell of his bike.

Since then, apart from riding it around the house he has refused to get back on.

Even with me offering to hold the back of the bike, re-assuring him he won't fall again (not really a false promise, since he's still got training wheels on) and reminding him over and over that everyone falls down when they're learning to ride bikes.  Yes, even the six year next door. And the 10 y/o down the street.

Fear of failure starts early. 

And as a parent, its horrible to see.  Especially when you're not sure where its coming from and you know that this really is one of the most important life skills you can give a person.

And so this weekend, the goal is getting him back on that bike and somehow feeling good about it...