Tuesday November 29th: In Which I Seek Help....

Most anyone who has or does know me can make a fairly credibly case for me needing help on any number of fronts.

And while I readily acknowledge this, I've never actually had any sort of therapy or coaching.  Not even a fitness trainer.

No deep reason really.  Just the realization that most of my problems and issues are fairly banal (which I now appreciate is a huge blessing) and can be dealt with my journal, Bikram or a chat & bottle with friends.  I'm also cheap and listening to Anthony Robbins downloads usually seemed sufficient.

But I've also always been hesitant about committing to paying someone to listen me - the pressure to come up with something good to talk about seems stressful.  Sort of like people who tidy before the cleaning lady comes.

And while I confess to hugely enjoying the narcissism of first and second dates, I always tended to flag by the third - which is always what I thought would happen with therapy.

But, today I had a first date with my new career coach.

Why now?  Well in retrospect 2011 on the career front it was a bit of meh year.

And since I have much higher hopes for 2012 I figure some professional coaching might help me get the results I want.

But lets see, I'll keep you posted on whether I make it to the third date. /rs

Saturday November 26: Whatever Happened To My So Called Career?

Well, yes this is a question I sometimes especially when I struggle (usually drink in hand) to explain my current portfolio career to some person I just met.  It's the only time I miss the simple answer of "I'm a lawyer."

Really, though its the title of fantastic lecture that R has given at the LSE, at the Cass Business School and yesterday, at the Munk School of Global Affairs. 

A fully unbiased review (of course) R was fantastic, funny, informative and inspiring.  I can say that I wasn't married to meet him, after hearing him yesterday, I would be looking to meet him...

After they intro'd him and his accomplishments, he opened by sharing his own ballsy story of graduating from Queens into the brutal Canadian recession of the 1990's, working temp jobs that he was serially fired from (for giving them advice on how to improve - classic, no?), to going to LSE with only enough money for his first semester and then starting a consulting boot camp for students, getting his job offer from Roland Berger and then taking that letter to the bank to borrow the rest of the years tuition.

 I've heard the story before, but each time I do, I get filled with a wave of straight up respect for the man. 

He also shared career insights that apply whether you're just starting out like the audience of graduate students in the room, thinking about a career shift or switch or something that's somewhere in between.   

Below are my top 5 lessons from his talk.  

Funny side note: at one point he mentioned that his wife was in the audience (and I sort half waved because really what's the right response to that?) and I heard the boy next to me whisper to his friend: "Why is his wife taking notes?"  

Because I learned or (re-learned) so much listening to him, including: 

1. Your Career Is Happening Right Now For years I suffered from this - the idea that "my real" career would happen sometime in the future and the rest of this was just temporary.  Whether you're a student, or mat leave or in a job where you are just killing time or paying the bills.  This right now is your career, you are in it.  

2. Beware of the Myth of The Perfect Career:  R used the Churchill description of how most people, even the most successful among us are actually operating on a day to day basis in dense fog.  You don't really know what's ahead so all you can do is  make the best decision possible with what's in front of you.  It's only after, in retrospect that dots are connected to create a narrative.  And then, when we read or hear about someone's career story, we're led to believe that they had this perfect plan which is what led to these impressive outcomes.  Yes, of course you need an idea of where you want to go, but don't worry about having the great plan or be intimidated by someone else's seemingly flawless career story or path.  You just don't hear all the messy parts that get skipped over when the story is being re-written. 

3. Remember The Newspaper Test:  We buy lots of papers in our house, the Times, The FT, The Globe and each weekend, it re-affirms the newspaper test which is: what sections do you always reach for first?  And why?  Odds are it hasn't changed for the past decade. The idea of the newspaper test is not to say that if you always go for the sports section, you should now drop it all and become a sports agent.  The Newspaper Test  is a reminder to remain aware of your true interests.  The further your career falls from them the harder it will be to sustain the passion. 

4. Don't Become a Victim of Your Lesser Talents:  Ten years ago, I walked away from Bay Street law job at a national firm. I'd worked hard.  And for a 25 year old, there was a seemingly large amount of money at stake, a career I had professed to want (and spent 3 years studying for), along with status and certainty that came with the job. Deciding to leave was both the hardest and easiest thing I've ever done.  It was hard for all the reasons above.  It was easy because after a year and half spent summering and articling I realized that I would never actually be a very good lawyer.   I  could stay, keep working on it but as Peter Drucker first pointed out, I would spending 90% of my efforts trying to get 10% better at something I wasn't great at (or interested in).

Alternatively, I could leave and finding the area where 10% of my efforts would make me excellent. And happy.  

5.  Who You Marry Matters:  A key point in from my last book, that who you marry matters since it impacts every part of your life - including your career.  Why? Because it shapes where you live, your networks, how your interests and values evolve and from that the career decisions you make.

It's nice to have an affirmation on mine. /rs  

Friday November 19: Tea For Three

I'm really a coffee (well Redbull) person but last Thursday I took my Mom and one of her oldest and closest friend (the first she made when she moved to Canada) to tea at the Windsor Arms.  It was a bit of an early birthday celebration since they also share the same birthday (November 29th).

There was a fireplace, scones, mini sandwiches, very puffy couches and petit fours (there was also some oddly menacing music playing), but only for the last half hour.  It was nice and made me wish that Mad Men could successfully and fully bring back gloves and hats for everyone.

My mother is 58 this month.  I'm 35.

I think about at this often, not our ages (well that's not true since I constantly think about mine - a whole separate post).  But what I marvel at is that she had me at 23, exactly a year after having an arranged marriage (a topic I often write about) and moving to Canada. In January.

The age of motherhood debate is hot topic.  What's too old, too young, and the eternal question of: is there a perfect time?  I've considered this topic from a professional angle at the MomShift and my own anxieties at becoming a mother at the in-between age of 29 is what prompted my second book.  I'll also freely admit that as tough as it probably was for her at 23, I selfishly like having a mother that is still on the young side.

The average age of mothers is going up - this is not new and I anecdotally know 5 women who are having their first babies and are over 40.   I personally think the entire "debate" on the age of motherhood is pointless, each person's life is different, there is no "right" way to do things (though reading some mommy blogs would have you think otherwise) and in the end, its all just about a series of different choices.

And as awe struck as I am at my Mother's story, I know its not unique. I know lots of friends with mothers who had them at 21, 22 or 23 and sort of fit them into everything else that was happening from immigrating to new countries, returning to school or starting businesses.

But in an age when everything to do parenthood and motherhood seems so overwhelming, when every little decision is completely overanalyzed (I'm not saying I don't do it but I realize how privileged and naval gazing it is) - I constantly wonder what she and her friends, (all women who cheerfully coped and got with having families as just something you did, along with everything else),  really think of all our earnest (and probably futile) efforts.

My guess?  Is that they're having a justified laugh, behind our backs.  /rs

Wednesday November 15: When R Is Away...

R is away in India - at the first annual Canada-India Business Forum.  It lasts two days,  but he's gone for over two weeks.

Normally, I don't mind when he travels, which is good because he always seems to be heading somewhere.

Yes, the kids slowly become more and more fractious as the time passes (R seems to have a calming influence on them) but I like having the house to myself (well, as much as possible with a 5 and 2 year old with me), I dig out sweatpants (versus their better looking cousin the yoga pant), I eat cereal for dinner (Just Right with a touch of Froot Loops). And generally just go back to a more essential Me.

But even better than having the house to myself is having my Mom with me.  Which is my current set up.

This means: not much work gets done (she has that effect) but, both of us with the kids also means: lots of laughing, lots of walking, lots of talking and gossip (old and new), and lots of delicious food.

And no, she's not the only one cooking, Saturday night I went here for amazing jumbo wild scallops (so fresh you wanted to eat them raw) which I served with an avocado and warm vinegrette salad).

It also means my house looks clean, I had a Friday night dinner out with the ladies on my street (can I just say Korean food gets beef?) and I discovered the wonder of Soju infused drinks - a must try, especially with ginger which makes it taste healthy and yummy.

We also plan special treats for the kids: this week a day off for Seth from school and instead, some real learning at the Science Center where i saw what I'd look like in 30 years (terrifying) and learned that I was made up of 30 litres of water....

Saturday November 12: Flashback to the Babymoon

On Thursday night my closest cousin (closest in everything from age, life experience and geography) came over for dinner and to tell me that she is 4 months pregnant.  Which I kind of suspected as soon as I opened the door, since she was wearing oddly demure looking clothes with a wrap. Which is not her. Or me to be honest.  

Anyway, so we talked pregnancy over wine (me) and water (her).  I told her how I hated the feeling of being pregnant (because I did and I think more women need to be ok sharing that).  Not only did I not feel like me, struggle with identity issues (i found it stressful that pregnancy shifts how everyone from your mother to your husband relates to you) - I also hated the feeling that I was never ever alone. It was creepy that this baby was always with me. 

Coincidentally, right after she left, I noticed an email with the cryptic message, " Do you remember?" It was a close friend from London. She's now pregnant with her third and six years ago we'd both been pregnant with our first.  The month before we were both due, we'd all spent the Easter weekend together with our husbands in Paris.  It was our,  "Babymoon".  

According to USA today, 60% of parents now take the annoyingly named "babymoon" (which is really just a vacation before the baby comes, but of course everything to do with modern parenting now requires the clever marketing  moniker).  

Anyway, six years ago, it was Paris, at Easter and we stayed here (not quite as luxurious as trashy romance books or the little movie on their site had led me to believe);  we ate our way through several Michelin star meals (involving foamed bits) and we walked and talked.  I hadn't seen the pictures in since then, and my first thought was: my pink coat looks terrible (I find that pictures often reveal the truth to me that outfits or items that I thought looked ok or maybe even great, really just didn't).  

Right after, I dropped my cousin a note to see if she was going to do the Babymoon thing her response: "How is it a vacation if M (her husband) is relaxing and drinking while I'm stuck just watching him? So no." 

Like I said there's a reason she's my closest cousin.  /x.r

Wed Nov 9: The School Walk

When I was pregnant with Seth, one of the images that stressed me out was the idea of being one of those Moms, always stuck in car, ferrying my kids around.  The "school run" is a new phenomenon (as is all the attendant modern day anxiety that goes with it) but leaving aside the ever pressing issue of what to wear, the tension and traffic that I've seen at our school, would make you learn ride a bike, that day, just to skip it. I've seen yelling and this is Rosedale.

We're lucky that we've always lived close enough to walk the kids to school (well a deliberate decision) since I don't drive in the city and we actually don't own a car but use this.  It works for me (though not always for R).  Or increasingly Seth.

But I've always loved walking around the city, and being downtown with the kids means there's always something to see, do, eat or talk about.
Plus, there's the bonus of an added workout.

The kids don't always walk though. Since I'm always running late, they travel in style in our red wagon, complete with a blanket, snacks, drinks and even leg room.  So really more then they would get on most flights today....

Friday November 5: The Rude Word Collection

Silly head. 
Fossil brain. 
Noodle puss. 
Bum. 
Dumb. 
Toilet. 
Diaper Area. 


Since Seth was three he's had an ongoing and ever-growing "Rude Word Collection" that he recites with glee and updates with an earnest dedication - most recently when we were reading this Berenstain Bear book (sidenote: my brother and I collected these when we were little and I only just discovered that they now have their own online world which is a terrifying yellow).

Anyway, experts tell us that when kids swear, they are imitating us (in which case, I'm glad that the most x rated of the rude words is just stupid) and that the way to stop it is to offer alternatives) - which we do.  But there is something to seeing the sheer pleasure of a little person saying what to them is a rude word.
It's pure joy and the discovery of the power of words, just not in the way you might have hoped.

November 1: Halloween

First, how cool is the painting that Seth is in front of - it's a Hussain in Rana's office which i love and want to bring home..as my trick or treat.

Since all holidays are overdone these days (in my view and as these numbers show) the kids had a Saturday party (where the enthusiasm of the other parents, all dressed up I might add, was a bit too overwhelming for them, leaving them under the table with a pile of cookies), then a daycare party, a school party and then finally trick or treating.

This was the first year the boys went out - Seth was cautious at first, worried about the prospect of tricks versus treats.  Avery got right into it, grabbing the kindly offered candy bowls and trying to get as much in as possible.

Speaking of which, a neighbour told me that up the hill from where we are, one house is legendary for its Halloween loot: the first 100 kids get stocks.  Last year, it was a $100 RESPs (and you thought full size chocolate was a score!) I googled around but didn't find anything on this so I'm posting it on twitter.  I believe it though - one: my neighbour has lived here for like 30 years and is in the know and two, most of the houses on the way to school had professional Halloween decorators doing up their houses (yes really) so this is not a stretch.

What you can't see in these pictures is that Seth's costume had also become too small since we bought it, but despite our attempts to lure him into another outfit, he refused, so he was the lion prepared for the flood.  It was that bad.