Sunday September 24: Turtles

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 Sunday used to my favourite day when I was little.

Usually it still is. I like the feel of the day... an indulgent breakfast, the FT, the NYT, coffee, the sense that its ok not to do that much.

But recently, I've had two Sundays where I felt anxious.  Not about anything specific just generally.

I went to the park with the boys and didn't help.  I worked on a power point, it made it worse. I hit the treadmill, menh.

I made these muffins.  And then, walking I saw R, sitting on the front steps, helping Seth make origami sea turtles, and it was a good good moment.

Saturday September23: Sunglasses

Eight years ago, when R and I were first in Paris together, I bought a pair of D&G sunglasses.

I loved these sunglasses and wore them all the time, everywhere.

Here.

These were the perfect sunglasses, the kind that make you feel glamourous and together even when you haven't washed your hair in two days, are wearing tatty yoga clothes and dropping groceries as you lug two kids around.

They had that kind of power.

And then this summer, on our vacation in BC, we took a friends Beaver plane to his lake tucked away in the mountains.  And went for a swim.  And yes, I was advised that I should take off my sunglasses but laughed and said they were part of my look.  So of course, shortly after, I leaned my head back and down they went, to the bottom of a lake that is actually much deeper than it seems.

So I bought a new pair.

But I wasn't sure how I felt about them.

Until yesterday, when R& I went out to dinner and a house party, (all of which happened to be  in part of town that reminded me of being an undergrad at UBC) and just as we were racing back to the babysitter,  I realised that the sunglasses that I thought were in my purse were gone....

But despite R skepticism, when we went back to the dive we'd had some pre-party drinks at, they were there.  So I think's its a good sign...

Thursday September 29: Addictive

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Friday September 23: First & Last Day

Yesterday was the last day of summer.

So today is the first Friday of Fall.  Even though I work from home three days a week and have the kind of work (writing, consulting and starting a business) that is always with me, regardless of days of the week or time of month (the challenge of the new career model) -

I still always feel like Friday calls for some kind of celebration.  Drinks, steak, treats are in order.

Someone I dated way back once told me I wasn't very good at celebrating the big moments or occasions in my life (I'm a bride that hated my wedding even though it was objectively stunning, skipped both my undergrad and law school graduations and view most birthdays as a time for critical self assessment: where is my life going and what am I doing) - all of which say, years later, hey, I think "short story man" might have been right.

But I think I am good at celebrating the small moments: Fridays, when the kids go to sleep (a bubble bath), a new book to read and anything to do with my kids achievements or things that make them happy (for a while this translated into candles in everything from noodles to pancakes, because hey, why not)

And so this Friday I am:

• Making a bbqed steak salad, but am adding grilled anise, peppers and baby spinach that I am looking forward to eating on the deck with R and a bottle of red; 
• Looking forward to hot yoga on Saturday and 
• Hoping for a big family walk. 

Thursday September 22: Less Sleep, More Zen?

For the past two months, or maybe more, I have trying to make myself get up at 5:30 am.

The extra oh, two hours a day of child free work time, would have a huge impact on what I can get done, and when. Plus, an early start apparently means a more productive rest of your day.

But so far, I haven't managed more than two days in a row at all.

What's strange is that in the past, I used to do this.  For writing my first book, to make sure I went to hot yoga before work so what's wrong now??

Anyway, I just discovered this site, so maybe I'll try some of the tips....

Today I:

• Loved my jivamukti class, live music, chanting, I think its the best part of my week. I also discovered a 6:30 am class not far from the house, can I do it?
• Was oddly excited by the spur of the moment $65.00 H&M outfit I bought this afternoon and wore to curriculum night at the school today (see below for the picture); 
• Enjoyed some post yoga birchermusli from Movinpick - I love this stuff. 

I was devastated to read this story about the death of this poor little boy.  Sometimes it seems like every cliche about the cruelty of the world, the potential heartbreak of being a parent or just being here on earth seems so true its overwhelming. And calls into question, why we do most of what we do in the wake of it all, if that makes any sense. 

Ps. just as I typed that sentence my 5 y/o (who isn't yet asleep) came to give me a hug. Which somehow makes it all more emotional.  

Monday September 19th: Cosy

The house feels cosy tonight.  R downstairs writing, both boys sleeping and me in bed.

It's also just my kinda night.

Cool autumn air, rain, for me it feels like promise, opportunity and that good things will (knock on wood) hopefully happen.   It must be left over from years of back to school resolutions and plans.

When I first started this blog, it felt like a chore.  But now, I'm getting into it.  I actually got up, went upstairs to my study to get my laptop and here I am.

Another book launch today, a memoir by a man I adore and admire: The Honourable Roy McLaren, a man who's done everything from being a sailor, diplomat, an uber successful businessman, a writer (this is his 7th book) , politician and cabinet minister.  And who's been married for 52 years to a woman with story as interesting as his and style that is pure 1920's Paris chic that looks incredible anywhere, anytime.

These kinds of parties always make me wonder, will this be us 40 or 50 years from now?  Can we also be that lucky to still so engaged, producing and working, travelling, and still look so good? Usually my worries are focused on where I will be at 40 - a dangerous age for women I've decided.  But occasionally I think further.

Today I am:

• Worried about eating/drinking too much sugar (white wine again!); 
• Reminding myself not be afraid to just move forward versus seeking refuge in the process or planning; 
• Determined to focus on positive energy on my goals. 
• Had a moment of being overwhelmed by a crushing love for my boys. 

Sunday September 18th: A Bouncy Castle Comes Our Way

R is back and has taken the boys out for a walk and some post trip treats.

I'm mentally trying to get some perspective on parenting.  On the rational side, I know I'm obsessing about something small (a couple of remarks from Seth about kids on the SK playground), like everyone else, each day I read, see or hear about the horrors that so many kids are enduring and know, that this is on the small, small side.

Emotionally, I can't wait to talk to his teacher and see what's going on.

This then, is the insanity of being a mother and yet I know its a luxury to be even be able to angst about these things at all. Only possible because we have a place to live, food to eat, the expectation that our children will not only be secure, and safe but also have some sort of inalienable right to round the clock happiness, at least as long as we think we can control it.

Deep breath.

Today, on the worlds friendliest street as my hood will now we known - we are having a street party, complete with a bouncy castle.  Yes, a bouncy castle on a little street in the heart of downtown Toronto, literally off one of the busiest intersections in the city. And lots of food, and always lots of wine.

R and I are also attending the launch of this book on the international world of art theft by a friend and former colleague.

I'm excited for the party, even though I actually hate going out on a Sunday night, it feels wrong.  Sunday nights, in my mind should be spent organizing for the week ahead.  A legacy of my childhood I think.

Today I am:

• Hoping to work out soon; 
• Planning on wearing my BCBG thin turtleneck dress (always a date favourite);
• Asking for help in being able to successfully guide my kids into being happy, confident and secure people; 
• Loving the warm fall sun and breeze and 
• Wondering why even though I feel like I am constantly buying groceries, we have nothing good to eat in the house.  That and how, if its getting cold out, the mosquitoes seem like they're getting bigger. 

Saturday September 17: Geographically Grateful

Today (its 1:24 am), I read Sarah's Key.  In one sitting, in my bed, with darling Seth snuffling next to me.

I had tears pouring down my face from page 9.  And now can't sleep.

I felt so grateful for living in Canada, for the blessings of what are petty worries (are the kids making friends at school? how will I get through my to do list).

And the familiar sense of being overwhelmed by the horror of what happened during the Holocaust and present tragedy that we haven't learned from it.  The cruelty and killings just keep happening in different forms, to new generations, in different countries and cities.

And then I think: what can I do?

It makes me want to be a better mother, to give my children the happiest childhood I can because who knows what the future holds.  But focusing on the microcosm of my family is not enough, I'm just not sure what is.

Friday September 16: Its only going to get harder

I'm glad its Friday.  The boys need a weekend, badly.

At the pick-up today, Seth got in the wagon and I could tell he was cranky, angry and upset.  All at once.

The reason?  He'd lost at hockey and was devastated that his team wasn't the "champion", then someone had hit him before lunch.  But it was more the big hockey loss that have filled with anger, at himself.

And it is heartbreaking to see  your 5 year old angry at himself.

I did my best.  I told him that everyone loses sometimes, no matter how hard they try (remember how Daddy and the Red Team lost the election even though they did everything they could - political bloggers might differ on that one, but still).  I told him that what matters is what you do after you lose, that you try again the next time.  I encouraged him to take deep yoga breathes.

How do encourage your child to be competitive but not be devastated when they lose?  And how do you encourage them to keep trying things, even if they might fail, what's the balance between making failure part of success without saying its ok.

All of this has made me more appreciative of all the small and still simple moments with him and Avery.

And worry how much longer I'll have them.

• Snuggling in bed in the morning;  
• Watching they play with animals; 
• Reading books together. 
• The sheer joy that simple things (throws, silly dances, pants on head, Daddy's songs can bring).

Today I am: 

• Glad I went to Bikram yoga; 
• Enjoying having the house and the boys to myself with R in NYC. 

Wednesday September 14th:

Have I mentioned that we have the world's friendliest street?  Right in the middle of downtown Toronto, we live in an oasis of kids, bikes on the street, people having drinks on the stoop.

I'll be honest, it took getting used to.  I'd always lived in condo's in Toronto (where the polite thing to do is pretend you don't see or know the person getting into the elevator with you) - even though you do this routine every morning.

But the thing is, its still a city -street (although a cul-de-sac) so all the parents are out, watching the kids and shouting "Car" should a cab or some person drive down.  It can make you miss backyards which actually let you do something while the kids played....

Yesterday Seth and Avery rode their bikes up and down with the neighborhood boys.

Avery was so proud of himself for keeping up with the "big kids".

Today I am:

• Determined to use my home office and not the dining room table.  Surely productivity will now increase. 
• Eating: crunchy but still sweet strawberries and creating entire dinners around my Mom's mint chutney (couscous and tandoori chicken). 
• Waiting: for my ebay dress and coat to hopefully arrive soon! 

Monday September 12th: I want it all

Right now the streets of our neighbourhood are filled with TIFF people, star sightings, those hoping to look like stars and everything else that comes with the film festival.

In the midst of the self-conscious styling and posturing, throngs of people with phones and camera in hand, Seth, oblivious to it all spreads his new eagle wings.

Which I have to say is pretty awesome.

Sunday September 11: Remembering

Ten years on, and the horror of those images still hasn't dimmed for me.  I also admit that despite my best liberal intentions and the fact that both my brother and husband get stopped for extra security due to racial profiling, feel nervous when I see certain sorts of men boarding my flights.  I don't want to, and I know its wrong, but I still do.

Today has also, tragically become one of those seminal life moments, where everyone can remember where they were when they heard the news, the last time they were in NYC before it happened and what they did after.

Me?

I had just started my articling year at FMC, we were on the 54th floor of a building on Bay street in Toronto learning how to to bill our hours into the firm financial system. I was struggling to pay attention and understand it.   When they news came, I remember us getting a break and milling around, on the ground floor of the building where all the TV were.  Usually these screens had the tickers going for the TSX, that morning, hushed groups of confused people stood around, watching and waiting.

Eventually, as planes began to be diverted all over and the Pentagon was hit, we were all sent home.  And I remember taking a streetcar up to my new apartment on the Danforth, looking out at the city and feeling aimless and lost.  And then calling my Mom who always my touchstone when I reached home, for reassurance.

I don't remember anything else about what I did that day.

A piece that R wrote about his experiences that day - written pre-Reva.

Saturday September 10: Accountability

Its a weekend and its beautiful out, although still hotter than I like it.  My weather is when its cool, crisp, "sweater weather" as girls at my old high-school used to always say in their year books.

Everyone was exhausted from a week of new schools, daycares and routines - which meant R& I actually got to sleep in till 9:30 and its been a lazy day so far.  Papers on the deck, Starbucks, a plan to go to the museum that I hope to realize on.

But even with the weekend what's going on is that I've been thinking about accountability, not in the public or political sense of the word.  But personally. Where I've realized that I think I need to better hold myself accountable for what I need to do and deliver on.  Right now, I'm feeling like the year has raced by and I'm not sure what I've done with it.

Do you ever have that?

I've decided that I need to get more specific about what needs to be done by when and actually deliver it by then - always the challenge when you're working for yourself.

But a Must.

Favorite moment today: A singing his "daddy daddy" song.

Thursday September 8

I have seven minutes.  Bed time is (as always) running late, there are lists of work that I haven't yet done  and the kitchen is still messy. But the kitchen always seems messy.  Plus there's back to school forms to sign and dates to jot down, so I don't forget where I'm going, when or which babysitter is coming or where in the world R will be that week.

But at the back of my mind today, I've been thinking about family.

Not just my family (my kids and husband) or my parents and brother, but extended family, the families who come with the person you marry and the friends that come with family.

My extended family is large but distance, geography, and personal histories and patterns that were laid down when we were kids means that they are not always that close.  Something my Mother always regretted when we were younger.  We didn't care, we didn't know anything else and liked being a self contained unit.

I wish I could really say I was doing it differently but I'm not sure I am.  But it did make me think, that for all the ups and downs I had when I was younger with my family (and really who doesn't?) I am grateful for the grown up relationships I have with them.  But I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had more of them....

Today:

• My honeylicious was stung by wasp and is still getting used to his daycare - but was so so happy when he came home, singing and dancing. His sunny little personality has to come from R..

Summer Love vs. September To Do's...

Can you work with your Mom around?  I can't.  And it's for the nicest possible reason, when my little Mom comes to visit or vice versa, its like an emotional and mental blanket.  Everything seems like it will be ok, and some of the general stress about what I need to be doing, should be doing or should have already done, slightly dims. That conversation in your or at least my head.

But only dims slightly, but then I become caught in this very ineffective cycle where I want to be just sitting and chatting or shopping and walking or laughing with the kids, but I also feel like I should be working and Getting Stuff Done.  Because otherwise, where is my life going and who am I? So I have computer open or lug notebooks of projects with me and leave them unpacked and ignored.

I thought of all of this over the weekend, since my wonderful little Mom has come down to help Seth and Avery move to their new schools (and really help me manage it all).

We went to the park, made muffins, made brownies, organized closets and rejoiced in my 2 year olds adorable chatter.  And talked, and laughed and chatted.  And at the back of my mind I thought of the ebook that needs to be finished, the sponsorship that I need to sort out and the list goes on and on.

I also watched this TED talk on the power of being cheerful as we journey towards our goals versus delaying our happiness for when those goals are achieved and read this article on the habits of ineffective people and resolved that I will get it all done, calmly and cheerfully but while she is here I will be enjoying what you see below.

Summer Recap....

Argh, repeat, I will not berate myself for not posting, I will not berate myself for not posting.  Instead, I will in the spirit of all things back to school commit to regular postings, (I will I will!) - um, every other day?

In the meantime, I will try and remember some of our summer highlights, is it a cliche to say that cliche's seem increasingly true as you get older (I'm thinking of how they say time goes faster as you get older and this entire year is disappearing for me) which has me stressed, but instead will think about:

• Deck time, campari and soda, bread salad (much better than it sounds, all grilled veggies, basil and goat cheese); 
• Mastering my first bbq! Grilled pineapple, peppers, salmon, steak, hot dogs, chicken...
• Swimming lessons with the boys (a lack of swimmies meant Avery's diaper would gradually swelling up, much like the character from Charlie and chocolate factory); 
• Guilt at the work that I didn't do enough off and now must must catch up on (I'm all about repetition today) 
• Kyaking with R on a grown up weekend away (golf, kayking, movies, massages and visiting J. Meisel), do pokey hotels counter stunning scenery? A discussion tbc.; 
• The family vacation to Vancouver: a beaver plane and hidden private lake; whale watching (thankfully the orca's showed); the amazing aquarium and our boys discover room service (ice cream under a silver dome nice!). 

In a way highlights of the summer seems like its cheating the entire point of the project - to capture the little things at the time, and each day. Oh well.